What 'The Photograph' teaches us about the relationship with our parents

Credit: LA Times

Last month, we were blessed with some heat from Stella Meghie and Will Packer with the film, “The Photograph”. It was one of the better movies I have watched in some time for a vast array of reasons. First and foremost, it depicted love in beautiful, yet authentic fashion. It was not a romantic comedy, it was a film about romance.

We do not get true Black love stories very often. Black love stories are often intertwined with trauma, infidelity, pain and violence. This makes films like “The Photograph” or “Love Jones” or “Brown Sugar” or even “Beyond the Lights” rarities. It was raw, shot with beautiful aesthetics and you have to tip your hat to the pacing in which Stella Meghie wrote it.

We got mild humor, a strong supporting cast, a fire soundtrack, black men expressing emotions, positive depictions of Black relationships that can heal generational wounds, pleasing chocolate hues and even a Yoruba reference. On top of all of that, they had Issa Rae and LaKeith Stanfield commanding the screen. All of that is a formula for a profound experience. 

Credit: LA Times

The reason why I hold the movie in such high regard is because of the emphasis on self exploration. It was not your typical “I messed up” love story, it was a story about overcoming fear despite having every reason to dwell in it.

Issa Rae’s character Mae and LaKeith Stanfield’s character Michael, both had to dig beneath the surface as it pertains to love. Mike had to do what a lot of us have done before, heal from a prior romantic relationship while also still trying to level up your career and balancing everything else. Mike loves hard and he falls for Mae. He battles healing from the past and how he should pursue Mae.

Mae’s journey was finding out about her mother Christina and through that journey found some clarity about her and why she approached love cautiously. We watch the journey of Mae unraveling her frustration with her mother through a letter.

That is the sole purpose on why I want you here, I want to focus Mae’s self exploration with and through Christina. It is one of the more powerful underlying messages in the movie. Like many parent to child relationships, it was complex and multi-faceted. There are many ugly moments that sometimes outweigh the positive moments we share. There are things that stick with us through adulthood. 

Things like tradition, culture, finances, language, dialect, perspective and trauma get passed along bloodlines. We all already know this. However, one thing we do not talk enough about is how the way we grow up sets the foundation for the type of person we will be and how we negotiate emotionally with every relationship that is thrown at us. 

Scientifically, this is called the Attachment Theory. Essentially, Attachment Theory explains how the relationship between a parent and child develops and influences your behavior in future relationships. Your attachment style is predicated on how your caregiver interacted with you, more specifically when you were an infant. 

So relating that to the film, Mae struggled with love subconsciously due to her mother’s erratic love. Mae did not understand why she was the way she was. Christina knew that she was not the perfect mother to Mae and they both knew, along with Mae’s father. 

Credit: Thephotographmovie.com

Christina was a distant mother and it was evident when she admitted that she wished she could be as good at being a mother as she was at the arts. She showed us something we do not talk about enough, emotionally absent parenting. It was also evident when Mae sat and talked with the man who raised her, Louis (played by Courtney B. Vance). Louis had a transparent conversation with Mae that acknowledged Christina’s shortcomings but provided some insight and context. 

Louis tells Mae that she was terrible with goodbyes because of the way her mother passed. We later find out her mother was not the best at nurturing and cultivating Christina and did not speak life into her. He also provided insight on Mae’s troubling transition to college. When Mae left for college, Christina made an excuse to not send her off and just stayed home to weep. Louis even says she was a complex woman to love before her death and it was clear that he held his own reservations on not being the biological father of Mae. 

Side note, this is one of the best scenes in this film because it shows the unconditional love that Louis has for Christina. She was pregnant with Mae when Louis met her and it did not matter to him. Louis was so submerged in the love he had for Christina that he did not care that she was having a daughter and understood the dynamic with her previous lover Issac, who turned out to to Mae’s biological father. It would have been easy to write hate or resentment in Louis’ heart towards Issac, but that never happened. It was a great way to show the depth of his love for both Mae and Christina.

Stella Meghie beautifully depicted this exploration with Mae and Christina. Meghie made us feel this internal battle in a way that was raw, but not overbearing. It enticed me, and to be honest it left me wanting to know more about the framework of Christina. 

After identifying this in the movie, it sent a clear reminder to me to humanize your early life caregiver(s). When you think of them, think of someone who is like you, someone who is a life learner and who is trying to figure out life like you and I. Categorize them as someone who makes mistakes just like you and I. Of course you should still hold them to a standard and hold them responsible for any trauma you have endured, but the film was a reminder to allow grace and mercy. 

Credit: Charleston Chronicle

For myself, I struggled with my parents for years. I spent too much time feeling that I was not loved and resenting my parents. I would analyze interactions for an extended period of time. I would explore why I felt the way I did in good and bad moments. I tried to make sense of why things were the way they were. 

It took me years to understand though I have a void in some areas, I acknowledge and truly believe that they loved me the best way they knew how. In some areas, that was not enough for me at the time, but I now understand that sometimes you have to meet people where they are at. The movie was another reminder of this message to myself and I challenge everyone to incorporate this perspective when analyzing the role their caregivers have in their lives.

Stay Black,

Josh